(This first part is a birth story. If you want to skip that, try starting at the 3rd section which begins with, "After Nehemiah was born".)
On an afternoon in June 2007, I called Leon at work and announced, "it's time". He came home and we shared the trial of labor leading to desperate suffering. When I was going into transition, my midwife told me that she didn't expect the baby to be born for another 10 hours. Then about an hour later I had several contractions in a row. The midwife touched my belly. She was afraid my placenta was going to rupture because I had had a c-section before. I was crying out to God, "Oh, how can I endure this crisis of panic and pain" Then it ended. I was in another world. I said, "the baby's here". My body was being held in sweet peace and rest. The only thing in my world was the baby and my body holding him and the Lord holding everything. He was born under water. Nobody caught him so I saw him floating pale and exquisite under the clear light filled water. His legs and arms were still held snug to his body. His skin seemed whitish blue like a pearl figurine of a baby. I'll never forget that vision of perfect peace. I reached for him in the water. I lifted him up close to my chest and face. I wondered in awe why I was allowed to have this joy of mothering that surpassed anything that the world had to offer me.
Here's a journal entry from that time : Nehemiah looks at me with his tiny moist eyes like I'm sooooooo great!! When I see him staring at me like that I long to be worthy of his gaze. I intend in my heart to be a better mama and friend. I decide even to walk taller and let my eyes shine more with my love.
Here's another:
I lay in bed under my down comforter and wonder how my life can be so beautiful. My baby lays warm and soft in my arms ,breathing on my face. He is perfect. I am 36 years old and look forward with a happy sigh to the hope of being blessed by another sweet, baby to love some day.
After Nehemiah was born we went through some painful relationships. We found some families to home church with right away and they introduced us to many new friends. Right from the start I was bothered by identity issues. In Portland we had many friends who liked us. Suddenly we found ourselves in rooms where no one cared "who we were", they didn't think anything that we said was amazing, they didn't laugh at my jokes. They didn't even like our music. In fact, some of them thought that any music with drums was from the devil.
We shared many sweet moments with our new friends but, after a while something seemed wrong. What was it? We felt ashamed. We felt like God must be really mad at us or not like us at all. We felt like small children being caught at something naughty. We tried to justify and defend our music, hair cuts, dress, bible version, ideas and the way we spent our time.
Even though we pored ourselves into the relationships, they didn't grow. Their seemed to be no trust. What was wrong? We finally reached a crisis point. We didn't know who we were anymore. We didn't play music together anymore, we didn't want to. We didn't want to talk about community or even be around Christians. We knew that we had to get away from our current friends. We made the break and after a while we started to feel alive again and we were able to start figuring out what had been wrong. We had somehow stopped living the gospel out in our lives. We were trying to win the approval of men. We were trying to measure up to peoples opinions, preferences and sets of expectations.
We began digging into what the gospel means. I started learning that when I think people see me as bad in any matter, I don't need to justify myself. I can say, "that's right and you don't even know the half of it, I'm WAY worse than that". I'm so glad that Jesus is my All in All. He is my goodness and He is the only one I need to accept as judge. There is nothing we can do to make him love us more..or less. And yet, He is our king papa and we are compelled to totally surrender to Him and His use of us.
Our identity needs to be in Jesus and not: our band, political persuasion, home schooling or anything else. Who are we? We are people who have fallen from self goodness into the grace and goodness of Jesus. We are the sparkle in His eye.
We have recently began renewing those friendships that caused so much painful growth.
In August of 2009 we had another baby, Elsie.
Not at all the desperate suffering of the previous birth. I labored alone through
hard labor and almost into transition. The whole thing was perfect and peaceful. I kept my promise with myself to smile during every contraction and end each one with a verbal thanks or acceptance. There was never a moment of fear. Her birth made me feel more fully God's and Leon's. Why God would give us this amazing gift we will never understand. She is certainly a proof of His beauty and power. Here is a journal entry that I wrote during my 2 weeks of rest that I give myself every time I have a baby.
The air is so fresh and it blows life right into me. A few leaves are turning their beautiful fall colors-, painted red and gold, and green fading into rusty brown.
We love living out here in Northern Idaho. We look forward to each new day. We look forward to; visits from the Baxter's, the Swanson's, the Simonatti's and many other friends and family members, x-fest, our annual reunion in Cannon Beach, then
Christmas and all the beautiful times of sledding and watching the snow fall while we are inside our
clean house warmed by the wood stove.
I'm reclining on the couch with sweet Elsie in my lap. She has the hiccups. She is watching me and her arms and tiny fingers and toes are moving slowly around as though a breeze that I can't feel is blowing them. When I look outside I see the laundry line full of tiny pink clothes and blankets. I hear 6 children working together on a project. They are putting up a pool. The house is untidy but, that's okay. We just had a new baby, it can be out of sorts like the rest of us for a while. It will feel good to get up and bring it back to order. But, not now. This is my special time to rest and dream and hold Elsie all day while she sleeps and eats.
This morning before sunrise I was in bed nursing her. Her feet were tickling me. I could feel her
warm skin on my skin and hear her heavy breathing. Her head was in the crook of my arm and her cheek was on my breast. The light of the new day began coming through the crack in the curtain and shining on her head making her hair golden against the darkness of the room. There is no experience in the world that is sweeter to me than that.
Elsie Ammiel, Sim, Naphtali, Zuriel, Asaph and Zion. Sim and Zion (Patrick) have been here 4 months and fit right in (despite language difficulties).
We often enjoy Havilah's home made goat milk hot chocolate in the morning. We all sit down for reading time. Right now, Ephraim is reading to us, 'Where The Red Fern Grows'. Grandma and Grandpa were here last week. They came all the way from Tennessee. Aunt Karen and John even honored us with a visit. It was a sweet time.
Sim and Nehemiah
