I'm writing this letter because so many people give up on relationships in the home because they don't "feel" love the way they think they should feel it. When I adopted my two older children at the ages of 9 and 10, I went through some emotionally hard times. I was hating myself more every day for not being able to 'love' them and be the mom that I always thought I would be. I knew that I was hurting them with my words and angry looks.
Every day I tormented myself with;
"do I "feel" love toward them?",
"do I love him LIKE I love my birth child?"
"Oh, I felt love today,... no, maybe not"
"I can't love them"
and a hundred more self condemning and ridiculous questions and assertions of how love SHOULD be.
I don't know why I commanded myself to love all my children the same. I don't love any one the same as I love another, how could I? Everyone is a different person.
After about the longest year ever, I gave up worrying about whether I "felt" love for them or not. I stopped checking. I DO love as an action toward them everyday. I snuggle them and listen to them and only say kind things. I find things about them that I can respect and thank God for these things in prayer. It's not always easy and I don't delight in these 'acts of love' like I do when the feelings are leading.
There IS however a satisfaction that feels good. I am satisfied to see the kindness growing day by day. We are a thankful and spiritually thriving family. I would say we are very happy. There is potential for more happiness, if the loving weren't such a chore. It's not just that some children are hard to love. Oh, no! All the children and Leon and I too can be; unlikable, ugly, quarrelsome and selfish.
Recently I caught myself watching Simeon riding his bike. I wasn't watching, as a chore, in order to make him feel special. He didn't even know I was watching. I was just enjoying his sweetness and proud of his skill. Little things like that are beginning to happen more and more with my adopted children. I call it a step in the right direction, but maybe it's just an inch in the right direction.
I realize that things may never become my ideal and that's okay. God is changing Leon and me. The real change needed to be happy with our children, and content with family life, is the change that God is doing in Leon and me.
1 comment:
I've always loved the idea of adoption, and as a preschool teacher I love all children immensely. It wasn't until I had my own children that I realized the love for the other children I cared for was different. I will love all of the children I care for but I don't feel like it will ever be the same as the way I love my own children. This is the reason I am too afraid to adopt. I think I would feel guilty the rest of my life if I didn't love my adopted children the same as my biological children. I love that you've adopted these children and it sounds like you are striving to love fully. I hope this doesn't sound judgy, I just have always had the fear of what your blog described.
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